I’m Alright.

We aren’t all born equal. We don’t get a sequel. Some of us are perma-lost,

Some of us weren’t loved, nourished nor allowed to flourish,

Dark days and darker nights as we hid from the light – out of sight.

‘I’m alright’.

Deep breath let’s go outside, heartbeat you cannot override,

I must fit in, too many people today, do I look normal?

you’re all watching me, but can you see? The pain.

They’re looking, staring, do they want to fight?

‘I’m alright’.

I haven’t ate today and my clothes, they smell. Can they tell?

I must hide, it’s all too much. An overwhelming tide,

I don’t want to continue this way – I’m fourteen today,

Nobody knows, nobody cares, all alone,

My special day, my lonely night,

‘I’m alright’.

 

Nobody knows what you’ve been through if you went through it all alone. My battle is with myself, everyday. Now I feel like its time to release these demons, they’ve been with me long enough. A childhood lost. A start enough to end me.

Suffering in silence for years has taken its toll. I’m haunted, I’m still scared. I’m not big and I’m not as strong as people may imagine. I’m not happy and I’m not able to just, “get on with it.”

Each and every day is a battle with myself, but I know that I have come a lot further than I wanted to because:

I’m still here and…I’m alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

I Love Italy.

This morning I awoke. I awoke in the hills of Liguria to the sounds and smells of a county that I have fallen in love with over the last three months.

I have been blessed, I feel lucky and I never want this feeling to end. I have now finished teaching English for the summer but I have remained. I have been lucky enough to spend time with some fantastic host families which has opened this chance for me to return to one of them for a period of time whilst I decide my next step.

Firenze, Milano, Turin, Cremona, Folgaria, Genova, Roma, Cinque Terra are but to name a few magnificent places that I have visited. Okay, I have my favourites and Genova was not top of my list BUT it also has its charm. At either end of the city are some breathtakingly beautiful beaches. I’m staying near a town called Campomorone which is slightly inland, but right on top of one side of the valley – IT IS PERFECT.

I must grasp this opportunity with everything and I am so grateful to the family for allowing me to stay in their home. I also have the option to return to Firenze with another family. Now this is numero uno, for me, in terms of place to stay and predicament alike. Firenze is dreamy. But I feel bad for the fact that I could up and leave at any moment after this family were so keen to take me in.

Then. Then are the options of the south of Italy, AND SICILY. Oh my days, you cannot begin to imagine how excited I am by the potential of going to live on that island. It is somewhat a lifelong dream so I will not think too much into that for now as top avoid bitter disappointment.

Bitter disappointment. That was the story for the first half of this year. Of course, my gut WAS truly correct and I have since found out that my ex is now ‘with’ the guy from work who’s messages I saw on her phone. Who was just “a workmate”. It was all “in my mind “.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS trust your gut. Alas, there is no reason to hide things if there is nothing to hide.

Sorry for the backtrack but I feel like it is wonderful to not be as mad as some cruel, evil, twisted individual made me out to be. Yes, I suffer with my mental state  but I am not and will not be made out tot be completely paranoid and crazy for the sake of someone’s self-absorbed, sadistic and selfish little game. Shame on you woman, should you ever read this.

Okay then, where was I? Oh that’s right – Italy. Only those who truly know me will know my upbringing and my troubles. They know how I have already achieved the unthinkable in being over here. In functioning. In fitting in. In being able to articulate myself. In not being drug-fuelled. In being a human being, a real one.

I am proud of ME. I dragged myself up with no parents around. Took myself to the job centre when my piers were taking drugs/committing crime. Worked my ass off whilst working a second job for free to educate myself in something I found a love for – fitness. Did the same again to take myself to college whilst they questioned my “waste of time”. Went off to University as a largely uneducated guy in amongst many wealthier, young, privileged lads. Went to live in the Big Smoke and to try and adapt to city life. Took it upon myself to throw away all that I had to come over here and try to do something I had never even thought of in teaching.

Now tell me that I am weak.

I am still my own worst enemy, but I am finally beginning to realise how far I have come and how far I want to go. Alone. I’m still hear making this dream happen. I am willing to start life all over again with nothing but this netbook and a bag of clothes. Life, for me, is not about earning as much money as possible and I now know that clearly. I just want to feel happy, comfortable, relaxed and peaceful.

I have no ‘home’ to return to in the UK. No base. No possessions. But it feels good. I have no real connections of a similar age over here. Little money. No woman in my life. No gym. No diet. But it feels good.

I have no wealthy parents or grandparents to give me handouts as I know so many of the people travelling nowadays do. I know that my prospects are stronger over here. I feel like I need this in order to truly be the ‘me’ that I always wanted to be, ever since the days that I spent hours cowering in my room alone as a young child.

I am alive. Fuck you. I didn’t let them voices destroy me. I go alone.

I just want to know where I will be come Christmas time, but on thing is for sure and it is that I will not worry about that as I most definitely would have done in the past.

I can’t believe I’m using this phrase after someone cruel used it so many times, but “lets just wait and see……”

Ciao for now.

 

 

 

 

 

We are all but Sticks in a River. 

Just a little iPhone entry this morning. Technology aye, wonderful. 

Bank Holiday Monday and I’m feeling all fresh. No hangover. No guilt. No stupid, drunken messages in my outbox. 

Anyway, here’s a little analogy that came my way, just yesterday. 

I was sat by the river when I saw a stick float past me, controlled by the flow, bobbing it’s way downstream. I thought to myself; ‘aren’t we all a little like sticks in a river?’

Hold on, I’m not completely mad. What I mean is that we are all in the river of life, bobbing along, taken by the flow and I’m gonna start going with it instead of thinking I’m a stick with arms long enough to grab the riverbank.

Once we break from our tree (the place we grew up), we are cast into the unknown. We’ve never been in the water before. It takes us by surprise as we whoosh down tide.

The river (life) changes with the weather, sometimes more turbulent, sometimes sculpting the landscape – adding elements of surprise to our journey. 

We float along, sometimes fast, sometimes slow and other times through the rapids when things get a little mad. Sometimes we go under water and sometimes we hit a rock, but we deflect on and keep going…life.

The stick I saw; well it got attached to a branch on the river bank, albeit temporarily. This, for me, was the attachment phase.

Me, you, us. The stick. We float along and sometimes end up being stopped in our paths by another inanimate object in the river of life. 

Now, for me, I see this as a relationship whereby I (the stick) may be, well, stuck. Or I may think that this is the place (person for me) until something changes that makes me float away again.

Maybe a heavy downpour raises the water level and we drift apart. The stick is grabbed by the flow of life and pulled away, even if it thought it was there forever. Then we continue without this safety blanket again, back on our journey downstream. 

Again – turbulent times, ebs and flows, high levels, low levels, waterfalls, rocks, unexpected intruders (a dog could pluck you out).

So. Where do we settle? If we happen to get thrown upon a rock? A solid foundation in which to lay and rely? Nice analogy again for myself – the idea of someone being ‘the rock’ to my stick. 

All I know is that when the river flows out into the sea, or into source then that is the end (of life). 

Just think about it. Maybe it’s time to stop thinking I’m more than a stick. After all, I can’t control that bush that held me up. I can’t see the next obstacle, nor can I see the dog swimming to catch me. 

I want to be something I’m not – I want to see what’s around the meander, but I can’t because I’m just a stick. And this is hard for me, but maybe it’s time to accept who I am. 

Stop giving myself ‘stick’ *boom boom* 

It’s time to go with the flow…

Letting Go.

They say that it can hurt more to hold on than to let go.

They, whoever ‘they’ are, appear to be right. I’m lay on my bedroom floor on a Saturday night, by myself, with a bottle of red wine and some dark chocolate, writing as blog entry. Which woman will ever want this woman of a man? Sakes.

My feelings once again dictate my actions and continue to rule my days. I hate how I’m pining over someone who appears to not give a shit. Why am I doing this? I know that practicalities suggest it’ll never work and her actions do more than suggest that she has already erased me from her life.

But I still think of her more than often. Wondering if I have been as much as a thought in passing today, for her. Wondering why there was no second chance. Cursing the fact that the last time we touched, the last time I laid eyes on her was as my coach pulled out of Victoria station at 1pm on the 11th April as she stood sobbing her eyes out. So, why no follow up to that, or is it easier for her to accept it this way?

After all, I could sense it would be the last time I saw her – even for hoping it was not. For all that my head tells me I’m wasting pure emotional resource on loving someone who doesn’t feel the same I cannot help but hope…hope that I will receive a text. A call. Anything with her declaring this whole episode as a mistake on her part.

I’m stupid. I look back and see that we weren’t even that compatible but a part of me likes that. Bizarrely wanting this to be the most messed up thing to have a happy ending, but why? Unfinished business, that’s why. I hate quitting on something that I don’t feel is completely ruined. There were no huge arguments, no fights, no harsh words, nothing.

So that’s why I feel there’s something to be rescued. We were good, we had fun – lots of fun. We were definitely compatible in some areas and I want more of that. But that’s just me. Silly, old me. I guess its partly an ego thing. How can she appear to have scrubbed me from life so effortlessly whilst I long for her answers? I guess she isn’t so heartless, just more practical and confident.

*Man, this wine isn’t too good*

As that pop song goes, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.” And I did. I always sensed her inability to fall in love (regardless of her dropping the L-bomb on me after one of our great compatibility tests). I always felt the emotional wall. I always questioned how much I meant to her. So, why the way I am now?

It’s also because I know that behind all of that is a woman who did care for me, even sensing her frustration in her inability to show it at times. Now I’m the frustrated one as I could no charm it out of her. I feel like I failed in making her comfortable enough to allow that. I was too ‘heavy’. As  much as I hate cold, I hate heavy, and I hate what I became in trying to lure he love from her.

I know that I’m always too harsh on myself and I know that I should see this as her being mean in cutting me off, but I can not seem to do so. I hold this hopeless hope. This fantasy which completely contradicts the probability that she will never contact me again, and if she does then it will be as a ‘friend’ in months to come.

I have even pushed away the advances of someone who is the complete, polar-opposite of my ex – a woman who would worship the ground I walk on (or so I think), for the sake of being suborn, in love and stupid. I’m basically dismissing the very thing I’m after. How dumb? A really good woman who means so well and whom I think of fondly. But the way I am – love/the heart rules all.

My heart has always and always will rule my head, whether I like it or not. As much as I want to be like my ex and tell myself to snap out of it, I cannot. If ever I do turn to my thought for a moment then they even tell me that a reunion would not be practical and that I would probably be back here after a short period of time, especially after living with her for a period of time.

I don’t do things for practicality – she does. Its one reason it was always unlikely to work, I guess. I’m sure that time will heal more and more my broken heart and once again leave me at square one, in terms of a romantic partner, but that’s not yet. It’s certainly not now.

Soon enough I embark on a journey of self discovery in the hope that this kind of situation will be avoided altogether in the future (wishful, I know). If it is true what ‘they’ say then once I have found myself then my love will find me. It’s unexpected, and all that. It’s a step toward healing that I’m allowing myself to think in this way anyway.

Anyway, I will neck some more wine and go to bed. Still missing our routine goodnight kiss. Still craving a big hug. Still wondering where you are. Still stupid.

Goodnight, sleep tight x

I Have Nowhere To Call Home.

I’m like a bird, I only fly away. I don’t know where my home is, I don’t know where my soul is.

Over one month since I did something major, since I upped and left London after months and months of feeling genuine, deep-seated depression, coupled with the sadness of loving someone who always seemed unlovable.

I made that move in amongst a blur. A haze. A heartfelt, impulse decision in a last-ditch attempt to save myself, from myself.

I was (and still am) having trouble with my health, although my symptoms have majorly subsided. I HATED my job. I felt lonely, even though I was living with the woman I love(d). I disliked the city and its inhabitants on the whole. I wasn’t exercising. I lost two stone of bodyweight. I felt SHIT!

Life has its ways of sending us messages which enable us to push on and make decisions about situations that we find ourselves in . It did and I made one – perhaps the biggest I ever have. The only thing I knew I would miss was my (now ex) girlfriend. However, she was always the kind of character who struggled to love, and I knew that. An ’emotionally unavailable’ woman…but regardless I gave her my heart, and sure enough she has since ripped it out and left me cold.

Before I came back to my hometown I said these exact words to her, “I can see you slowly phasing me out, beginning by reducing text messages/calls until one day I get none. I fear I will never see you again, like you’ve almost been waiting for me to go away to make it easier for you as I just get in the way of your big city life.”

Guess what happened. I was right – my gut was right all along. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. Anyway, I know she’s not a bad person and feel she has been hurt in the past, in a bad way. I just feel sorry for the next guy who thinks he can tie her down and look for a future.

Now she is the only thing/person that I have unanswered questions about leaving the city because the rest proved justified, massively. But then again, maybe her zero contact so soon after leaving tells me all I need to know, however hard it is to swallow. I’m a good person, completely heart-led and someday I know I will find my soulmate.

And now on to my title, and the point that made me sit down tonight. Although I am genuinely improving daily, both mentally and physically after moving ‘home’ I realise that there were also reasons behind my decision to leave here many years ago. On the whole…I hate this place too, other than for my friends and family. The place is dead. No job opportunities. Zero culture. Backwards attitudes, and so on.

It’s not all doom and gloom though because I have found myself a summer job in Italy and I cannot wait to get over there and begin the adventure. I have always wanted to do something like this. It’s a huge opportunity. A chance to meet new people, and who knows, maybe the dream of meeting a long-term travel companion will be realised.

But as I sit here this evening and think about al things life, as always, I feel that feeling that I’ve felt so many times before. That of not knowing. That of wondering. That feeling that is having no home. This place being called ‘home’ but not feeling in any way, shape or form like the place I want to call home. I knew that London was also not that place and ultimately I have no idea of the place that someday I will call home.

All I know is that my upcoming adventure can only open my eyes further and provide an insight into living abroad which is something I have also longed for. The feeling of having no home is sad. It’s deeply sad at times but I know that someday I will be home. Someday I will be at my home, with my lover and with my happiness. That is the end goal. For now I must learn to live alone (or single) and to finally find myself – to adventure as much as possible.

THEN, and only then I can stumble across my long-lost home…

I go to sleep dreaming of a perfect life, the perfect wife and no more struggle or strife.

 

 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll find my way home ~ Kelly Jones from my favourite song.

 

 

The End.

Here I am; Weatherspoon’s Oswestry.

I left London yesterday with my life in 3 huge, very heavy bags and kissed goodbye to my sobbing, Italian amore.

The decision was mine and mine alone. Indecisive Mr Hughes finally made a move, and boy does it feel like Mr Hughes did lose.

…*PHONE RINGS*…

It’s the woman in question wishing me well, talking up the London sun and playing up one another’s chances of being reunited within a week or so. Today, as normal, I have been through the emotional mill. Mainly her on my mind. Partly dreading ever returning to this hovel. Partially questioning whether to part ways completely with her. Occasionally asking myself where the hell I want to be and what I’d like to do. Finally, speculatively applying for a media job at Liverpool FC. I wish.

Amongst all of this I have been booted out of a café at 3pm because it closed. I know, how will I get used to this after living in the capital for a couple of years – the place that never sleeps. Answer is: I won’t.

My head is as unstructured as my sentences in this entry and my feelings have developed what feels like feelings of their own – fleeting furiously. I’ve fallen out with someone who invested so much in me, mentally, as I seek answers of my own. Another thing that, in time, I will no doubt regret. I’ve been offered an opportunity to work closely with someone I know not so closely as he looks to open his own café in south Wales.

Then I’ve considered my health, hated my skinny frame, considered a return to the gym, debated dabbling in drugs (solely for escapism, obviously), thought about seeing old friends, thought about her some more, thought about dinner and finally concluded that I know nothing about so much.

A part of me believes in the title of this blog as being the apt one for our relationship and another part of me thinks otherwise. All I know is that it’s only partially in my control. this has to be mutual and if it’s not to be then it’s not to be. I also know that I need to try my best to give my head a rest, after all, that was the aim of this venture. So, I must try not to think about her so much and to focus on ME.

Although I dislike being here, I must see it as a time to unwind as much as possible, to fix my health and then to go from there. The exercise. The job. The location. The lifestyle. If she’s still in my life then it’s a good thing but if not then I am sure I will overcome this.

Excitement is what I feel, and time will heal. My life is for me to decide, not for me to run and hide. My talent I have no doubt, I’ll not become a lay-about.

The end, or the beginning, instead of lose I’m winning – that’s how I must approach this whole situation. But, it is scary. My mums partner has made it clear, within one day of my arrival, that this can only ever be  a temporary solution. His home is my mum, which means that I’ve no real place to call home, but I already knew that.

The jealousy that curses through my veins whilst thinking about Brenda and her family in Italy is unreal. I wish she knew how lucky she was to have such an amazing bunch of supportive people whom she can relate to, and return home to. Home. I wish not to be jealous but I am. I felt a part of that at Christmas and I crave that. I’m sure that someday I can have my own little family, and a place to call home.

Anyway, digression aside, what I mean to say is that I must move on as soon as my health allows and to do that I must surely start actively seeking now. I have spent too much of my life hoping and riding on the backs of others, instead of grabbing life by the gonads. Now is the time to do that. I know that I’d love to write for a living and also that I want to live abroad. Now is the optimum time.

Yes, I will be lonely for a while (which I dread). Yes, I will have to learn another language (which I’m most probably useless at). Yes, I will be asking an awful lot of myself mentally (which will be difficult, to say the least). Yes, I may have to try and forget about finding a partner and to concentrate on my career (much needed). But, I am sure that it will be highly beneficial in the long-run, albeit laden with numerous tests of strength and character along the way.

The Start.

 

 

 

 

Loniliness

I don’t speak the words, I feel the words, even if they go unheard.

Loneliness is evil and loneliness is cruel and right now it is dominating my world. Going against the words of the famous anthem that is synonymous with my beloved Liverpool Football Club, I most definitely do walk alone, or so it seems lately.

I have lived in this city one and a half years, eighteen months, or one lifetime in terms of mood. I have struggled to cement relationships with any other than my girlfriend, Brenda, who is in her native Italia right now. And man, do I know about it. She’s away for one week in total and with her gone I really feel as though I am completely and utterly ALONE!

That in itself is one of the problems, if not the main problem of late and certainly one of the reasons that our relationship has almost come to breaking point. The point being that I am wholly reliant on her for all of my companionship. That is not fair on me as I spend many hours alone, often bemoaning my lack of friends. My undesirability.

However, it’s only when I sit back and strip back my thoughts and assess the situation further that I realise that it certainly is not fair on her either, however much I may curse her coldness and her lack of affection. After all, why should she want to spend her time with someone who is constantly whinging and demanding attention?

Yes, she’s very single-minded, unloving and cold at times, or so it feels. But she’s also got a huge circle of friends and a life outside of these four walls…look at me going off on a tangent and focusing solely on her again. I MUST STOP.

I have always been a terrible decision maker but two days ago I made a huge decision. I handed my notice in for my job and also for our tenancy and told my friends that I’m moving back to Wales for a while. I need to be surrounded by my friends, especially in times of ill-health (but the non-gyming and weight loss is for another time). So, I broke it to her and she seems to agree it’ll do us both good.

But why? Why no fight? Why no “I will miss you”? Why no questions as to what I will do? Is this because she is home and does not want to think about this or because she does not care? These are just a few of the many hundreds of thousands of questions zipping around in my ten-trick-mind.

We have loosely agreed to remain ‘in a relationship’ with a view to us both visiting one another in the time that I am away, but only on the premise that we “shall see what happens.” Fair enough, we shall, but I always look for more than that. I want answers that I think I should get. I’ve always been the same, but is that just me being silly?

Anyway, I certainly do not want to get stuck in the town that I made great efforts to escape half a decade ago. In my search for the perfect job, living situation and love life, I feel that a new journey is unfolding. If things don’t work out between us the world truly could be my oyster, as oppose to just my oyster card fffssss.

I’ve always wanted to live abroad, and without mentioning that having an Italian girlfriend is the perfect basis on which to do so should she want to return home (she doesn’t), then I guess it could then be down to me to launch a dart at an atlas and google the area before heading off into the unknown.

Ultimately the next month or so will be about me relaxing, seeing friends, trying not to obsess over my London-based missus, deciding over a career, getting better, rekindling my love for the gym but most importantly learning to love myself again.

I already feel like I will struggle so much to take my mind off her whilst she’s down here amongst the many thirsty men, and I’m up there feeling like I have made a mistake. BUT, maybe it’s right to say. “let’s see.”

After all, I certainly won’t be as lonely as I am right now, just without the one person I want most. Someday I will have both friends and love in the same place, as well as a love for my work and a passion for fitness again, I’m sure…someday. I just wish that it would all unravel right now. I wish I was not losing weight. I wish I was feeling loved.

Who knows, I could be anywhere in one month, and come to think of it then would I really chose to return to London, even for my lover? I really doubt that unless I had friends and a job I enjoyed daily. And I don’t see her ending her love affinity with London, nor do I see myself making a decision on where I would like to live after my sabbatical.

As you can see my head is a mess. I think that my hope of her revealing an undying love for me and a desire to compromise in terms of living location in order to be with me is far from what is a harsh reality, but as my tattoo reads; hope springs eternal.

 

Happiness seems to be loneliness, and loneliness killed my world.

 

the-shadows-of-loneliness_02

Writing for a living 

Wouldn’t it be amazing? 

Being one of the most, if not THE most indecisive person in the world, I think, maybe…you get it.

But anyway, being ‘that guy’, I often find it very difficult to pick a POA and stick with it. This isn’t just with regards to a career but in everyday life. I can’t even go to a supermarket without spending five minutes deciding whether I want green beans or runner beans – I’m simply a dreadful decision maker. 

I’m now 27777 (whisper it), twenty seven or something years old, yet I still have no clue what I’m doing in life. I spend most days beating myself up and pondering what to do; whether to run abroad and start afresh or stick it out in London and try to make something of myself. 

However, one thing is for certain…I love to write. Every single day I am leaving notes around the flat, attempting to construct poems for my girlfriend, writing on scraps of pape or jotting  another potentially life-changing plan on an old envelope. 

I’m a dreadful communicator and always struggle to spit out the plethora of jargon that clouds my brain on a daily basis, but, but I do seem to be able to transfer those brainfarts to type. 

Now, therefore wouldn’t it be absolutely amazing to combine a passion/hobby with a job…a ‘jobby’…*hands not involved in THAT way.

I’m just not sure how to lay the foundation to enable me to do so. Unpaid internships are obviously out of the question, but I believe I’ve many pluses to bring to any publication/site looking for a somewhat flaky, amateur wordsmith. 

HIRE ME PLEASE.

I end this ramblings with the words of one white rapper:

“You’ve got one shot do not miss the chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, YO!” 

Codependency, Anxiety and Depression.

I hate being an emotional person. 

Hate, hate, HATE it! 

I started a new job today which basically relies on me picking up clients and if I fail to do so then I will have none of the only stuff that seems to matter to everyone in this world, you guessed it….money.

It’s as a Personal Trainer, which is fantastic, so why am I so down and dreading this oppoutinity? I feel depressed, lonely and sad that I won’t see the woman who had become very important to me recently. 

I’ve fallen hard and I’m feeling that codependency feeling. I won’t say too much but basically I’m already pushing her away with my needs. 

I’m constantly being reminded by my brother that “I must have rent money.” The pressure he is piling on me is unfair, I’m not seeing the woman I love, I have no real friends and I also have major holiday blues (I’ve just returned from Italy). 

My blood pressure is through the roof, I’m constantly lethargic and I don’t even want to eat, or train. That is very bad for me, training is normally my escape from all of this, but I am beyond that. 

All I want to do is stay in bed every day wishing for her to come in and cuddle me. Am I man or mouse? 

I always have low points in my life but they’re becoming too regular and I’m fed up of it. 

Can’t I just whisk her away. Away from this place, from debt, depression and anxiety and live, laugh and love in the sun? 

I’m going to bed wishing. I wish for many things but happiness is the one I want. Once I’m happy alone I will feel like I can take life on. 

Here’s to hoping, goodnight.

Feelings Fleeting Like the Wind

Here one minute and gone the next – feelings. 

Being an emotional being I often find myself experiencing a plethora of emotions on a daily basis. 

Happy, sad, angry, needy, strong and so on. I’m so emotional that I began writing this entry upping a wave of nostalgia and I’ve already lost the feeling. 

(The rest will flow from the head as oppose to the heart)

Okay, so, I’ve been thinking a lot of late about my ex and our relationship and I find it truly amazing how you can be all about this person one week and not at all the next. 

The last year and a half of my life were spent in contact, albeit mainly text communication, but nonetheless in contact on a daily basis with this person. Now…nothing. 

I literally knew what she was doing all day, every day. Or so I believe. Now I have no idea who she’s with or what she’s doing and I find it so strange. 

Is she alone, dating, dating several people? Is she happy or sad? Does she think about me or not? 

It’s ever so strange to think that I may never see this person again in my lifetime whereas once we uttered the word ‘marriage’. 

Just as my feelings fluctuate this morning life events do on a daily, weekly and yearly basis for all of us. 

Things change, people change, situations change. I like to think that I haven’t changed too much but the relationship had become strained. 

The fact that I’m writing about her today shows that I still have ‘those feelings’ toward her but my life is already shifting shape and so have my future plans. 

I wish her all the best and really wish to see her again someday, whether it be as friends or more. 

Anyway, I’ve literally ran out of things to say. I don’t even know if I should post this rubbish but I will. 

Basically, get busy living or get busy dying. 

Try your best not to dwell, have no hard feelings and always remain open minded. After all, nobody knows what the future holds.