I don’t speak the words, I feel the words, even if they go unheard.
Loneliness is evil and loneliness is cruel and right now it is dominating my world. Going against the words of the famous anthem that is synonymous with my beloved Liverpool Football Club, I most definitely do walk alone, or so it seems lately.
I have lived in this city one and a half years, eighteen months, or one lifetime in terms of mood. I have struggled to cement relationships with any other than my girlfriend, Brenda, who is in her native Italia right now. And man, do I know about it. She’s away for one week in total and with her gone I really feel as though I am completely and utterly ALONE!
That in itself is one of the problems, if not the main problem of late and certainly one of the reasons that our relationship has almost come to breaking point. The point being that I am wholly reliant on her for all of my companionship. That is not fair on me as I spend many hours alone, often bemoaning my lack of friends. My undesirability.
However, it’s only when I sit back and strip back my thoughts and assess the situation further that I realise that it certainly is not fair on her either, however much I may curse her coldness and her lack of affection. After all, why should she want to spend her time with someone who is constantly whinging and demanding attention?
Yes, she’s very single-minded, unloving and cold at times, or so it feels. But she’s also got a huge circle of friends and a life outside of these four walls…look at me going off on a tangent and focusing solely on her again. I MUST STOP.
I have always been a terrible decision maker but two days ago I made a huge decision. I handed my notice in for my job and also for our tenancy and told my friends that I’m moving back to Wales for a while. I need to be surrounded by my friends, especially in times of ill-health (but the non-gyming and weight loss is for another time). So, I broke it to her and she seems to agree it’ll do us both good.
But why? Why no fight? Why no “I will miss you”? Why no questions as to what I will do? Is this because she is home and does not want to think about this or because she does not care? These are just a few of the many hundreds of thousands of questions zipping around in my ten-trick-mind.
We have loosely agreed to remain ‘in a relationship’ with a view to us both visiting one another in the time that I am away, but only on the premise that we “shall see what happens.” Fair enough, we shall, but I always look for more than that. I want answers that I think I should get. I’ve always been the same, but is that just me being silly?
Anyway, I certainly do not want to get stuck in the town that I made great efforts to escape half a decade ago. In my search for the perfect job, living situation and love life, I feel that a new journey is unfolding. If things don’t work out between us the world truly could be my oyster, as oppose to just my oyster card fffssss.
I’ve always wanted to live abroad, and without mentioning that having an Italian girlfriend is the perfect basis on which to do so should she want to return home (she doesn’t), then I guess it could then be down to me to launch a dart at an atlas and google the area before heading off into the unknown.
Ultimately the next month or so will be about me relaxing, seeing friends, trying not to obsess over my London-based missus, deciding over a career, getting better, rekindling my love for the gym but most importantly learning to love myself again.
I already feel like I will struggle so much to take my mind off her whilst she’s down here amongst the many thirsty men, and I’m up there feeling like I have made a mistake. BUT, maybe it’s right to say. “let’s see.”
After all, I certainly won’t be as lonely as I am right now, just without the one person I want most. Someday I will have both friends and love in the same place, as well as a love for my work and a passion for fitness again, I’m sure…someday. I just wish that it would all unravel right now. I wish I was not losing weight. I wish I was feeling loved.
Who knows, I could be anywhere in one month, and come to think of it then would I really chose to return to London, even for my lover? I really doubt that unless I had friends and a job I enjoyed daily. And I don’t see her ending her love affinity with London, nor do I see myself making a decision on where I would like to live after my sabbatical.
As you can see my head is a mess. I think that my hope of her revealing an undying love for me and a desire to compromise in terms of living location in order to be with me is far from what is a harsh reality, but as my tattoo reads; hope springs eternal.
Happiness seems to be loneliness, and loneliness killed my world.